Breaking Cycles: Financial Freedom Without Fear

There was a time in my life when financial conversations made me so sick to my stomach I would vomit. Didn't matter if the conversations were about something positive or something negative, I would be physically ill. It would start in the pit of my stomach, make me cold with the chills, and then inevitably - up would come all of my emotions in physical form.

Graphic? A tad. But it's difficult to explain the physical connection to that kind of fear without delving into the graphic nature of the end result.

This terrible connection to anything with dollar signs all stemmed from my childhood and the drama that surrounded money. My mom's business was doing well - drama. My dad would be laid off - drama. I received money for graduation - drama. It didn't matter the circumstances. And even when I was decades past those days, the same old feelings of insecurity and doubt would climb up from my past and shake me to my core.

As an artist, this would make any kind of talk about budget, bills, deposits, withdrawals, payroll, dollar menus exceptionally difficult. A project being cancelled was an immediate mark my very soul. Receiving a check for a successful venture ment I sold out for cash. I'd been told for so many years that I was a "Starving Artist" that financial failure was imminent. And when I had financial successes, I wasn't truly paying my dues.

Kathryn Zeigler in Times Square during the Acting For Your Life Tour in 2011

It wasn't until my early thirties that I started to delve deeply into why these feelings continued to linger. By this time I was a single mother of two. We'd faced losing our home on more than one occasion. I'd lost several jobs due to new medical diagnoses and I was struggling to make ends meet. This sounds like the beginning of the end. I promise you it was the end of broken beginnings.

I remember it was raining. I was sitting on the couch, the girls were playing in the basement since they couldn't play outside. I had a stack of bills next to me on the couch and I was trying to figure out how in the world I'd pay them.

And then, I heard how freely the kids were laughing as they played.

Kathryn and Todd Zeigler's oldest daughters Emma and Mimi Zeigler circa 2011

Against the wishes of some of my family, I never kept anything we were going through from them. If times were hard, we had the hard talk about how that would change things in our cabinets and fridge, or abilities to do certain activities. When times were bountiful, we sat with spreadsheets and worked out what "having more" looked like. Most of the time, "having more" just meant being able to go to the store near the house and get ice cream or some kind of fun board game. But we marked each success and we talked about each set-back.

Somehow through all of this stress we were facing, they had found joy together. They were in their moment, and at that moment, I had this overwhelming feeling of freedom. My children were finding peace in the chaos that seemed to follow us. But how? How were they able to play when some days I was barely able to breathe?

They learned very early on the value of hard work and that "money talks" didn't have to mean screaming and tears. It meant looking very closely at patterns and seeing where we could improve our choices. And sometimes, it meant asking for help - but most importantly - that asking for help and knowing when to ask for help was never a bad thing even if the response was no. We would talk about community and family. We would talk about responsibility. I never let those conversations be about failure, more about learning and forgiving our situation especially when circumstances couldn't always be in our control.

As I listened to their sweet laughs I looked around the room. This overwhelming sense of peace washed over me. It was in that moment that I realized the pattern had been broken. The cycle of anger and blame, the shame of living and facing life, those feelings of inadequacy surrounding money were changing. And my girls and I, we were the ones responsible for shattering the cycle.

Everything that was there I had earned. There were a few gifts and inherited pieces here and there, but the decor, the furniture, everything in the cabinets, the drawers, the rugs, the mop, the broom - they all belonged to us. There was no threat of someone coming to take them. There was no shame in how they'd become mine. Their mere presence in our home was the result of two decades of hard work, pain, loss, gain.

I relived every moment of struggle in that instance, as if it needed to replay so it could dissolve from my subconscious. It wasn't about the presence of tangible things. It wasn't about their financial value. It was about the moments each thing represented for me. There was nothing in our home that wasn't there for a purpose. From the prints on the walls to the pillows on the couch, I could recall each moment they came into my life. And each of those instances was a celebration of something - a new job, the end of a romance, the start of a new one, completing my Master's Degree.

Making a very clear and precise decision to hold on to this feeling, this freedom, I decided from that point forward that anything having to do with money - anything at all - would come with this exchange from fear to empowerment. And having the dollar sign conversations would not place a permanent marker on my soul for failure, but would lead to a deeper appreciation literally everything in my life. I would teach myself and extend grace to me, just as I had my children.

Kathryn showing off her shaved head post-medical in 2025

Four our, now very large very loud family, this past decade has brought with it medical challenges I could never have imagined. I'll dive deeper into the lessons of those in posts later this year, but I mention them in this one because with those diagnoses have come very personal challenges and changes in the way that I live my life physically, spiritually, and mentally. I can no longer do the work I used to do in the same way I used to do it. Which means, our financial situation has changed and sometimes in very dramatic and sudden ways.

It would be easy to start blaming myself for everything and feel very much like a burden to those around me. Falling into the role of martyr would also be much easier than taking responsibility when times are tough. But, that is another cycle we've broken in our family. We've realized, very simply, that life happens. You can either live with it or learn and grow from it. And we have decided to grow, to lean in to our community and family, and to give that love back as we continue to circle around this life.

As I sit here at my desk wrapping up this post, I'm listening to our children (the two girls now grown, and their little brother and sister) laughing and talking. The ease with which they love each other astounds me. The honesty they share is a point of pride that I don't have the words to express, except to say, it's absolutely beautiful.

The Zeigler kids in 2024

The older girls now have jobs of their own. Our eldest is about to venture off on her own in her own place. Both are financially savvy and are achieving financial freedom. They know how to have conversations about money, the good and the bad. They would probably both agree that there are topics they'd rather avoid, but they don't. They talk, they strategize, they make plans. Sometimes those plans fall short, most of the time they find their footing.

All of those times I am in awe of how we started and where we are. Have we had to ask for help? Absolutely. No man is an island. But are we secure in the knowledge that admitting help is needed isn't something to be ashamed about? Again, absolutely.

Nothing in this world is certain. That is something that is, well, certain. But regardless of your relationship to anything be it money, a spouse, a sibling, a job, a faith, those all require work and examination daily. Trust in the fact that how you navigate fears and uncertainty is completely in your control.

And so it is.